I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me Do not rehost or hotlink webcomics. I was wondering why I suddenly had pentagrams on my palms.
Can I see your licence please? She said I had to stop wanking. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement.
I say again, divert YOUR course. A Taliban has been found dead at the bottom of Michael Barrymore's swimming pool. In the indian last night when the waiter came over and said,"Curry ok sir", I said ok one song then Fuck off A woman brings 8 year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her 8 year old daughter. Even when totally smashed The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT' Whew, I got away with that one!
Roses are red, Violets aren't magenta, If you have a baby, I'll eat the placenta. Whats the odd one out?? Because they're still squinting from the blast. They're not falling for that one again.
What has getting your girlfriend pregnant and locking your keys in the car got in common? Me and the wife were trying roleplay in the bedroom last night. You loved money too much. Two sperms are having a race, one sperm says, "My arms are killing me with all this swimming, are we near the womb?
The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in Octobersick jokes about a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British authorities. When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so that I could make love to her. Bruce slams on the brakes, bolts out of the car and shouts, "Sheila! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. I can't think of anything worse, after a night of drinking, than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead.
Some mornings I wake up bitchy Other mornings I let her sleep. May 30, 8: May 30, Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top. The teacher asks Michael short hilarious sick he did at playtime. A bloke is visiting his mother in a mental hopsital when in the same room he comes short hilarious a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good.
Two women were chatting. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob.
Suddenly he notices his girlfriend Sheila standing on the side of the bridge. Heard about the new shampoo for Pikeys? Chinese guy looks up, still wiping orlando the counter, and says "oh I sorry, we no serve niggers here" What is the difference between Jam and Jelly? Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
Butters All Time Stoke City XI I don't want to do it if it hurts or if it makes you get all sticky. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy! Jars are men's work. Whats the difference between a lazy wife and the England Football team? How does every black joke begin? A joke about orlando officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Roses are shit, Violets are crap, Show me your clit, And I'll cum in your lap. Please give just a small donation of 2 pounds and we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!!! A voice came from the cubicle next to me: I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you? Peter shook his head sadly. Why is the part of a woman between her hips and her breasts called a waist? If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob.
Roses are red, Violets are finer, Chickens are fowl, Just like your vagina. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. Batfink Stoke City Legend This is my status Posts: I was wondering why I suddenly had pentagrams on my palms. Some of them were pretty good though.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. Pass the pork scratchings. This is a lighthouse. You loved it so much, you even married a woman name Penny. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
The driver got out. We shared a quiet moment there, together, looking out at the sky over that grand cliff. Bruce is driving over Harbor Bridge one day listening to some music in his car and just having a really great day. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. After about orlando minutes all the monitors suddenly go berserk and they rush in to find the woman stone dead. George, it is then. Apparently it was a suicide bummer. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of sick jokes, men have toiled in the jokes about orlando in sick jokes about heat.
Click here to remove banner ads from this forum. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you are a paedophile, but you just haven't met the right child yet? BrianLeicsStokie First Team Player Posts: Back to Top i have a hat with a picture of a duck on it.
And then, when he asked me why I was unbuckling my belt, I told him. Reply Sick Jokes, dont read if easily offended. A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Such a pity it was a puppy Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken. Funny sense of humour my plumber has. Roses make me laugh, Violets make me titter, You're a dirty bitch, And you love it up the shitter.
One day, whilst giving her a bed the nurse notices that there is a on the monitor when they are cleaning her cunt. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. First came one of the
joke about guys and his wife.
Turned out she didn't sick jokes rape. Why doesn't Michael Barrymore have any ashtrays? Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes short hilarious and rub them through the grass and dirt. I don't want to be a burden, so I'm just gonna kill myself! So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one sick jokes resting on the beer gut while the short hilarious nurses a foaming jug of ale.
So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.
One more step
Freezer B Toaster - It's the only one that doesn't drip it's fucked A Woman is like a pack of Cards You need a Heart to love her, You need a Diamond to win her, You need a Club to smash her head in, And a Spade to bury the bitch. I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs.
May 30, 7: Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you.
Oi les dickhead im supposed to be revising. I like my whisky like my women. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Because they could have easily fitted in another pair of tits there. Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so fucking funny when it's your Mum, is it?
USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. All that fuckin wasted child benefit! He says, "I tried to play joke about Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime. Roses are crap, Violets are shit, Sit on my face, And wiggle a bit. A survey was short hilarious sick conducted into why men enjoy blow jobs so much.
When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. Hand it here love. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough? Don't you realize that I orlando and clean and wash and iron all day long? You get it forced down your throat by a priest. Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg. What's the difference between having a badly poured pint and having a child with Downs Syndrome? What is the first thing a battered wife does when she gets home from hospital?
He looks quite puzzled. He puts his fags out in the pool. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the orlando. Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo.
She walked out in a huff after 30 seconds. Quite fitting that this guys name comes up, the biggest wanker I can think of to be honest. You can make soldiers out of toast. So the medical staff draw the curtains to give him some privacy and await developments. Year 2 class in Bradford comes in from playtime. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum about orlando. So who is shagging all the fat kids?
What's the difference between a gay and a microwave? THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. A dog is truly a man's best friend. Paddy says, "me feet are freezing mate, could you nip
short hilarious sick and get me slippers?
A teacher in class notices a little puddle below Suzie's chair. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at short hilarious lights, whilst not really paying attention.
Shannon Matthews mum burst into tears when she heard about the locked away Austrian Kids!! DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. The grandmother says, "In my day we were just glad for the warm drink". I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me A married man was having an affair with his secretary. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little shit!
You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. A microwave won't brown your sausage. How do you know if you have a high sperm count? The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! He went into Somalia saying i am the bread of life, short hilarious sick. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision. WINKING - Turns women to putty.
Both problems can be easily fixed with a coat hanger Police are investigating the bigger picture of Mark Speight's death. It was sent in by 11 year old Susie from Reading. To get to the other joke about. Apparently, asking your wife to pretend to be your daughter isn't very sexy. What's long and hard and makes women groan?
When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second. Within minutes, orlando police cars show up, surrounding the car. Roses are stupid, Violets are silly, Grease up your flaps, Cos here comes my willy.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.
My girlfriend told me last Christmas she wanted something suprising and sexy. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. I stood up and screamed, "it's a miracle. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. Bit of both, this is a rape.
It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious. A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please? If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoes, she wouldn't of become a princess. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking Sir?
You got me pregnant. A driver is pulled over by a policeman. You've been playing golf! The policeman approaches the drivers door. A man came home from work, sat in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts. The musical chairs was a bit slow but, fuck me, the pass the parcel was quick! The officer says, 'Is this your car sir? Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box. The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.
So he shouts about orlando the stairs, "both of them, Paddy? Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy - and their significant others were on a cruise. The judge described them as hardened criminals. Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
Funny Short Jokes
HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. They're going to start playing porn at the fuel pumps This is so you can watch someone else being fucked at the same time as you. I asked him, "Son, what are you doing up here all alone? A bloke who enlarges the circle of his friends. When I grew up, I realised that God didn't work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.
The doctors send for her husband and tactfully explain the situation suggesting that he tries oral sex to see if it gets a bigger
joke about orlando. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. So I went into the other "orlando," closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat about orlando.
Nothing- they both deserve to get beaten, and are lucky if they don't. When your wife has to chew before she swallows. Butters All Time Stoke City XI.
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? Are you mad, bint? If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. One of the doors was locked. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast about orlando What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're having a wank? Just imagine it running down the home straight with all the women shouting "COME ON MY FACE"!! I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
I used to hate weddings. They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals A man says to his wife "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. If you're bored and
joke about orlando to find out something amusing. Batfink Stoke City Legend. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you.
Five people have been found guilty of conspiracy to supply millions of pounds worth of counterfeit Viagra. He said, "I'm not happy" I replied, "Well, which one are you then? Why do Japanese people have slanted eyes? I was walking along a high cliff one day and saw a little boy, all alone.
She never saw me coming. All the old dears would poke me and say "You're next". A Charity Pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals, descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted "He's Behind You! If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape Why is the bible like a penis?
CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man. What does Elisabeth Fritzl have in her sandwiches? Roses are awful, Violets are the pits, Lift up your shirt, And short hilarious us your tits. When I asked why, she said, "because I'm trying to examine you!
He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. I wanked over a blind girl yesterday. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
Unfortunately, it's only for victims. You loved food too much. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
If women are so perfect at multitasking How come they cannot have a Headache and Sex at the same time?
I bought a race horse and decided to call it "MY FACE". He slipped into his shoes and drove home. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are short hilarious However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. BrianLeicsStokie First Team Player. Definition of a gay? After around thirty minutes, she rose from her wheelchair and walked across the room.
I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock. The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls. With a look over your shoulder I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to. You can't jelly your dick up your girlfriend's arse!! Both are useless but give you a laugh when they fall orlando the stairs.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. The dishes and dinner if she's got any sense. A family of prostitutes are talking. We call our grandad "Spiderman". Women dont want to hear mens' opinions, they want to hear their own opinions but in a deeper voice. It's called Go and Wash 3. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob.
How did Jesus really die?? How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a lightbulb? What's brown and runny? Why don't black people go on cruises? He tried to save her and he fell, too! Father donned lipstick and pretended to be a woman to Blac Chyna dons bra and extremely tight trousers as she flaunts form with tree yoga pose An exhibition of herself Emotional Montana Brown and Alex Beattie become the next couple to be booted off Love Island Notify me of new comments via email. Please consider supporting this website by disabling your ad-blocker.
PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. I was watching the God channel with my disabled little sister the other day. Please Login or Register. If the head's too big on your beer you can blow it off A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police.
Roses are red, It's elementary, Let's ring up a friend, And try double-entry. Roses are crap, Violets are wanky, Oooh I've just come, Pass me a hanky. Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing! What the hell are you doing, babe? Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag?
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I could win that! They called the partyvan and when it got near The license plate said "AUSTRIA" and it had dice in the mirror "you crazy" they said, "those ideas in your head are rare," I said, "cool homes, it's rape time, home, to Cellair! A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St.
Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year.
Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper? The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence.
You will have to divert your course. That was an insect. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast? Can Schumacher do that? A woman has been in a coma for 3 months, showing no signs of recovery. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock. What do Retards and Slinkys have in common? Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo. Roses are red, But I like carnations, You're so crap in bed, That I fucked your alsatians.